He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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