you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
