Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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