I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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