Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
