We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
