would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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