What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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