You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
