I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
