So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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