i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
