i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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