you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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