I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
