How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
