I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
