Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
