Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
