just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
