went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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