i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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