my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
