Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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