You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
