Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
