He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
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I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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