Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
