Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
