I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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