even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
