he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
