remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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