Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Randomize
