she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
