Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
