Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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