She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
