My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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