I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Oh god it's open bar.
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