I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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