my mouth tastes like poor choices
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
