I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
