You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
