Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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