Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
