I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
