Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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