you mean i was at the winter classic?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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