woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
