So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
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I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
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Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.