Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
