I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital