The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.