So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
