i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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