Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i think i have two assholes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.