her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.