it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
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In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
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Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement