You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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