I smell stomach acid.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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