I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
