If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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