The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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