I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
