HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
