I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
