easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
