she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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