I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
